COWBOY WANG'S SPACE LOUNGE
I don't remember much about the night I got this shirt. But I very clearly recall waking up in a Waffle House restroom wearing a diaper.

DICK'S HALF-WAY INN
It is true no man controls his own destiny, but a little self-restraint might keep you from drinking a bottle of mouth wash before work.

THE GREEN DRAGON
You can kick your fancy ales. You can drink em by the flagon. But the only brew for the brave and true... comes from the Green Dragon!

THE REGAL BEAGLE
Has anybody seen Jack Tripper or his best buddy Larry Dallas? Those jerkasses stole my leisure suit.

COCKTAILS AND DREAMS
Coughlin's Law: If your God is named Xenu and you believe in the Galactic Confederacy, you're crazier than a shithouse rat.

MURPHY'S LAW
I was supposed to grab a pint at the pub with a lady friend. She never showed. But I did meet a guy named Aengus, who tried to sell me his kidneys.

STATE STREET BEER 'N BRAWL
I found a half-eaten bag of Hot & Spicy Cheesy Balls in the bathroom. They were definitely cheesy, but not as hot & spicy as you might think.

DRINK LIKE A CHAMPION TODAY
It's true that time heals all wounds. Unless you're stabbed in the testicles with a rusty bayonet and left for dead in a Iowa cornfield.

PINKY'S VOODOO LOUNGE
Remember that no matter how bad things get, or how hopeless life may seem, you can always go home and take it out on your family.

SPUNKY MONKEY
Next time you share peyote with a Tarahumara Indian and find yourself stranded in the heart of Brooklyn in a kayak, you can use this shirt to ward off the flying devil monkeys.

I GOT HAMMERED AT HAILEY'S
It was a frigid December night in Chicago. I got sucker-punched by a hobo and awoke in a frozen puddle of my own tears and urine.

JILLY'S GLORY HOLE TAVERN
The bartender bet me $50 that I couldn't lick my elbow. I didn't win the bet, but I did rupture my appendix trying.

THE TITTY TWISTER
There is no sex in the champagne room. But there is clamidia.

IZZY'S WONDER BAR
I apologize for any inconvenience I caused the person whose crutches I stole from near the juke box last Tuesday. If you want them back, email me and describe the cripple sticks so I don't give them to a cripple poser.

BRIG 46 ROADHOUSE
I applied for the Peace Corps and they required me to take an HIV test. I guess they don't want me bringing AIDS to Africa or something.

BOURBON COWBOY
Everything is bigger in Texas. Except their brains! LOL! Big stupid Texans!

BOBBY JOE BOB'S POP-A-TOP
I have no idea how I ended up in Mississippi. To be honest, I didn't even know it was a real place until I read it on my restraining order.

SORRY CHARLIE'S
Did you ever fall off a bar stool and land awkwardly on your neck and then piss in your jean shorts? Me neither.

SATAN'S SPIT SALOON
You don't know how hot the desert is. You think you do, but you don't. I do, because I was raised in a sand dune by rock squirrels.

THE SUNSET DRIP
Did you know it only takes fifteen t-shirts to fashion a three-story escape rope? It's a fact.

RILEY'S TEXAS SHOWBAR
My lawyer has instructed me not to comment on my trip to Texas until after the court issues my sentences.

THE DIRTY SANCHEZ
We smoked something weird and got into a fist fight with a bowl of M&Ms. Viva la Mexico!

TIPSY McSTAGGER'S
I participated in a fat guy wet t-shirt contest. I shook my man tits with the best of 'em, but finished a disappointing 6th.

BREW CITY BOWL
I found this t-shirt in a urinal during a night in the Milwaukee County Jail. It's very comfortable and barely even smells like urine anymore.

RED'S HOT HOUSE
I made love to an Eskimo in the dumpster behind the tavern. I think she stole my pants.

IRISH I WERE DRUNK
Next time you meet a leprechaun, ask him if his name is Shamus O'Malley. If he says yes, kick him in the sack. He's got it coming.